• Before was was was, was was is.
• If banks made $6B from overdraft fees last year, then banks made $6B off of people who don't have money.
• People born in 1999 have lived through 2 millennia, 2 centuries, and 3 decades... and they're only 17.
• I never think of my belt as dirty... until I realize I've never once washed it and it's also the first thing I touch after pooping.
• Whenever Santa Claus is depicted delivering presents, he does one house then flies off. You'd think that the house next door would be a more efficient move.
• You’re supposed to be a pro after 10,000 hours but I’m 175,200 hours into life and still have no idea what I’m doing.
• No matter how old I am, I will never tell my mom I’m cold after she told me to bring a jacket.
• If a ghost can open cupboards and break things, why not just take a pencil, find paper, write exactly why it’s unhappy, and tape the message on the fridge. Use your words, ghost.
• Dreams are the ultimate "you had to be there" story.
• I have never once heard a fire alarm go off and thought, "The building is on fire!"
• I hate having to prove to a robot that I am not a robot.
• Turns out six months is just the exact amount of time it takes to forget how to adjust a car’s clock.
• When someone gives you their phone number, it’s like giving you the password to talk to them.
• I’m much more likely to wear the same pair of pants again if I didn’t take the belt off them the night before.
• Chicken salad is just a more developed version of egg salad.
• Before the camera was invented, nobody had ever seen themselves with their eyes closed.
• When I buy food for my dog, I tend to buy the flavors that sound the most appetizing to me at that moment.
• We make fun of people Instagramming their food, but lest we forget that, during the Renaissance, lots of artists were just painting bowls of fruit.
• Spiders' body produce supplies needed to build its home, in order for humans to do this, they would literally have to sh*t bricks.
• The difference between murder and assassination is how famous you are.
• When the person you're dating asks "What are we?" it's like the free trial period has expired and you have to decide whether or not to get a subscription…
• Shoveling snow is just pushing your problems to the side and waiting for them to go away.
• Pie is just an excuse to put healthy foods inside of a giant cookie.
• If you stay home because someone at work got you sick, you should be able to use THEIR sick days.
• When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.
• Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 2 seconds, but instead, I’m gonna run it over 100 times with my vacuum at different angles.
• If humans could fly, I wonder how many drunk people would die trying to fly to the moon.
• Bath water is human tea.
• It’s been 82 years. Schrödinger's cat is definitely dead by now.
• If you live in the United States, your driveway is connected to mine.
• Without Mister T, "I pity the fool" would sound like something out of a Shakespeare play.
• Time zones sound a lot cooler than they actually are.
• I have never seen a pie cooling on an open windowsill in person.
• Any time I lift a heavy object with another person I always feel like I’m only doing 10% of the work.
• Buying a new laptop from your old laptop is like making someone hire their own hitman.
• I wonder if dogs bark in their head.
• When I was younger I’d try to impress people by how expensive an item was but as I’ve grown up, I now try to impress people with how cheap I got something.
• Nobody ever has a bottom locker in high school movies.
• The worst part about dinosaurs being extinct is that some of them probably tasted awesome. We’re missing an entire category of meat.
• ‘Happy’ by Pharrell Williams is basically a grown up version of ‘If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands.’

2017-04-28 Friday Thoughts

friday shower thoughts No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser. Whenever I’m getting a haircut, I hope the barber is impressed with how perfectly still I sit. I bet half of online arguments could be prevented if people had to put their age next to things they post. Sometimes I confuse time and money and think there is only 60 cents in a dollar. My fingers are slowly 3D printing my nails. via Reddit

2017-05-05 Friday Thoughts

friday shower thoughts I could never eat a pack of marshmallows, 6 cups of cereal, and a stick of butter in one sitting, but when it's all mixed together and heated, I'll happily eat the entire pan of rice crispy treats. Bruce Wayne could probably reduce crime more as a philanthropic billionaire than as Batman. Pregnancy is like a group project where one person gets stuck with all the work. I wonder if people stranded on deserted islands clean up their ‘HELP’ or ‘SOS’ signs before they leave. If not, how many times has a rescue landed and looked for hours for someone that’s no longer there? Spiders living in a blind person’s home have really hit the lottery. via Reddit

2017-05-12 Friday Thoughts

friday shower thoughts Every semicolon I have ever used has been a shot in the dark. If you're blind and deaf, the distinction between sleep and awake must be crazy. You don't realize how not secure your house is until you lock yourself out. From Snow White's perspective, the old peddler woman was totally legit. She gave her an apple and told her to make a wish. Next thing she knows, the Prince is there to take her away and she is surrounded by her friends rejoicing. If some guy I didn't know handed me a gun and said "Follow Me" I would just do it. via Reddit

2017-05-19 Friday Thoughts

friday shower thoughts Scotch aged 12 years sounds a lot better than Scotch from 2005. Interstellar is about how a girl keeps getting older while Matthew McConaughey stays the same age. If you find a penny on the sidewalk and pick it up in less than 4 seconds, you've made more than minimum wage. I never notice how much I use a part of my body until I have a cut on it. 25 years from now, you're going to have to go to a wedding for a couple of kids named Kylo and Khaleesi. via Reddit

2017-05-26 Friday Thoughts

friday shower thoughts Any dog can be a guide dog if you don't have any particular destination. Rappers act all hard but all they're doing is reading you their poetry. Culture is just a global version of all that weird stuff your family does that you don't realize is weird because you assume everyone's family does that. When I listen to a digital version of a song I used to have on CD, I still remember exactly where it used to skip and still sort of expect it to. The older a man is, the less I question his choice of a hat. via Reddit

2017-06-16 Friday Thoughts

friday shower thoughts

It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses. You don't realize how hard you chew your food until you bite your tongue. I'm self-conscious of how fast my windscreen wipers are whenever it's raining lightly In all my life I have never seen a baby seagull, they are always the same size. If voodoo dolls worked I would give myself the best back rubs. via Reddit

2017-06-30 Friday Thoughts

friday shower thoughts Surgery is stabbing someone to life. It is pretty exciting that we live in a world where you have to prove that you're not a robot. Technically, if mermaids are half human and half fish, that makes me half mermaid. You know you've really reached adulthood when you start having opinions about grocery stores. Not many things say "this is someone else's problem now" more than a leaf blower does. via Reddit

2017-07-06 Friday Thoughts

friday shower thoughts

Cardboard boxes are pretty flimsy until you try to stuff them into the trash can. Self driving cars should be able to connect with smart-watches, so that when the owner has a heart attack, the car can drive him to hospital. A lot of my "favorite foods" are just vessels for butter-- potatoes, popcorn, toast... I think my real favorite food is just butter. I'm so conditioned to not use Fire Exits, I'm not sure I'd think to use one during an actual fire. Identical twins only have to apply for one gym membership. via Reddit

2017-10-13 Friday Thoughts

1. If you find the perfect hiding spot, then you never found the perfect hiding spot.
2. Imagine how much scarier elephants would be if they had a mouth at the end of their trunks.
3. If there was a picture of every Joe in the world, we'd finally be able to see what the average Joe looks like.
4. Toilet brushes should be literally any colour other than white.
5. The year 2021 will have a lot of "hindsight is 2020" jokes.
6. If you fart when someone hugs you, you’ll just make them feel strong.
7. No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna.
8. The first person to use a fake mustache as a disguise was probably very successful.
9. Ketchup makes bad food better, but good food worse.
10. Light switches are also dark switches.
11. "The greatest thing since sliced bread," should now be changed to "The greatest thing since Netflix’s ‘SKIP INTRO’ button."
12. Getting a drop of water in your milk doesn’t matter that much, but if you get a drop of milk in your water, that’s completely disgusting.
13. When we say ‘ctrl’, ‘alt’, ‘del’ out loud, we don’t use the full version of alt.
14. Of all the obstacles we’ve overcome as humans, closing the gaps in bathroom stalls must be the hardest.
15. Some animals probably need glasses.
16. George Orwell predicted cameras watching us in our homes, but he didn’t predict that we would buy and install them ourselves.
17. Besides killing germs, hand sanitizer is also great at reminding you of minor injuries to your hand that you had forgotten about.
18. Out of the 5 Spice Girls, Ginger is the only one that’s actually a spice.
19. No one has ever been inside an empty room.
20. Where the heck do hamsters roam free in the wild??
21. via Reddit